October 3, 2012 § Leave a comment
Every year for my dude’s birthday, I have this hilarious and sweet custom of making him a book of homemade coupons for special favors that he can redeem from me at any time during the year. He loves it!
Actually I have never done this, ever. But I am doing it now, because, well… I kind of forgot that his birthday was today, and we have a pile of Chinook books here that we need to sell for my daughter’s school, and I got to thinking… Those homemade coupons that people give each other… no one ever actually redeems those, right? I mean, that would feel so preposterously weird and formal. This is a gift where it truly is the thought that counts… you never actually have to do any of the stuff you put down. BEST GIFT EVER.
So here are the coupons I’m giving my sweetie:
1. Super Duper Sweater Saver!: I will de-pill a sweater of your choice, handpicking off every single little nub. (Stipulation: I get to watch anything I want on TV while I do it).
2. Step on your Balls!: I will step on your balls with a high-heeled shoe on. I heard that some guys pay prostitutes big money for this service. If you ever want to try it, but don’t want to break the bank, well, now you have a coupon.
3. Delicious Dinner!: I will make you a dinner from the list of stuff I usually tend to make for dinner. But this time I will make it delicious.
4. Watch out for those Bees!: If bees are swarming you in an attack, I will say, “Watch out for those bees!” (Coupon must be redeemed at least one (1) but no more than three (3) hours prior to attack).
5. You Get the Bigger Half!: I will, if we are splitting something, give you the bigger half. (Coupon only valid on things that I like less than you do).
6. Just Say No!: This coupon entitles you to refuse to lift something heavy for me or reach something that is up too high for me to reach. (Warning: use of this coupon may result in heavy boxes remaining where they don’t belong, and stuff that’s up high remaining not gotten. So… Give it some real thought. I mean, how much skin is it off your teeth, honestly? To take one more box down to the basement? To get me the olive oil? Not much. I mean, you have plenty. Of skin on your teeth. You could spare quite a bit. Ew. What is up with that anyway? Why do you have skin on your teeth? I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.)
7. Halloween Homies!: I will dress up in a companion costume with you for Halloween. We can go as anything you want. No seriously, anything. The sky’s the limit. Let your imagination run wild. (Some restrictions apply: No visual puns. No food items. No blackface. No adult babies.)
8. Rise and Shine!: Use this coupon on a morning when you need to get up early. I will wake you up by being as perky as humanly possible, ripping the covers off you, and shoving you out of bed. (I will then go back to sleep.)
9. Eat a Banana!: I will eat a banana in front of you. Very slowly. Enjoying every minute of it. (You must supply the banana. Also, a pot of chocolate fondue. Banana should be pre-sliced and arranged on a plate with some strawberries and small cubes of pound cake.)
10. What’s So Funny?!: This coupon can be used once. At the time it is presented, I must tell you exactly what is so funny about what I just read in whatever book or article I am reading. I must explain it in as much depth as is needed for you to fully appreciate the humor, even if it takes going all the way back to the beginning of the story to fill you in on who the characters are and the particular nuances of their relationships.
October 2, 2012 § Leave a comment
Since I quit Facebook, there is nowhere for my status updates to go. My brain has almost stopped creating them. Not entirely, though. Here are some thoughts I’ve had lately that are so interesting that they’ve made me consider opening my account again, just so I would have a way to share them with the world. I’m sharing them here, so that I will not give in to that impulse.
1. Pho is the shit.
2. I FARKING LOVE READING!!!!!
3. My 3 year-old asked for a piece of ham by simply saying, “Ham me,” and holding out her hand.
4. FUUUUUUCK STREET FAIRS!!!!
5. I’m making kale chips, baby. “In the oven or in the dehydrator?” you ask. BOTH! Snap. I borrowed a dehydrator and I am comparing which works better. I’LL LET YOU KNOW!!!!
6. WTF???!!!! MY TEA’S GONE COLD????!!!! I’m wondering why I got out of bed at all. Seriously, WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT????!!!! If I can’t count on my tea to stay hot indefinitely, I don’t want to live anymore.
7. Almost got hit by a car. A lot of people say that when it was not that close to happening. This was seriously close to happening. I was in a crosswalk, this guy was making a left turn and didn’t see me. He was going too fast to stop so he swerved to avoid me and ended up all spun around in the intersection. And when he looked at me, I mouthed the word, “Sorry”. Instead of the word, “Asshole”. Fucking patriarchal social conditioning.
May 27, 2012 § Leave a comment
Never say: “Oh my God, I mean, who DOES that?!?!”
Somebody does, apparently. The fact that this surprises you only reveals that you don’t know enough people. Not only do you not know enough people, you also have never studied history, you don’t take in any media, and you don’t have much of an imagination.
I mean, have you not noticed in your however many years of life on this planet that PEOPLE ARE CAPABLE OF SOME DEEPLY DISTURBING SHIT? There really is nothing that I would put past us. Imagine any deed, bizarre or horrific or just mildly inconsiderate, and I promise you that there are people who have done it. Don’t act so surprised.
Try this instead: “Oh, your date was sitting there picking his nose and eating it through the whole meal? Huh. Sounds about right. I mean, it’s gross and rude and everything, but you’ve got to expect that with so many people in the world and so many of them trying internet dating, you’re bound to at some point come into contact with this type of social deviance. Unpleasant, for sure, but hey. People are fucking weirdos.”
June 29, 2011 § 4 Comments
It’s funny because I had the inspiration a few days ago to compose a post about these shoes:
and the main point was going to be about how I saw a guy wearing them and thought, “God, what a douche!” and why do I think that and why can’t I love everyone and aren’t I really fucked up inside and what is my fucking problem???!!!!!???? But also, these are kind of douchey, right????
But in the time between then and now, I have not been able to stop imagining the feeling of walking around in these crazy things. My feet actually tingle at the thought. My toes start wiggling involuntarily, each one asserting its independence, or trying to, at least (they resent how the Big Toe seems to have more pull than the rest). I feel strangely warm and energized, and that’s just from thinking about wearing them. Oh, to be barefoot without the risk of stepping on shards of glass or developing unladylike monster callouses or being denied service at a gas station mini-mart!
With these shoes, these non-shoes if I may, you can return to nature. You can be footloose AND fancy free. And the best part is, you can do it all without bothering the people who hate hippies. The only people you will bother are the people who hate douchebags who walk around flaunting their freak shoes just hoping you’ll ask what the hell is on their feet so they can tell you how great they are.
There are health benefits and anatomical diagrams and stuff.
I figured they were like $200 but really they start around $75.
Also, they come in pink.
What do you think? Have you seen people wearing these? Was it hate at first sight? Do you think it’s more forgivable on a woman? And what is on your Wanting Mind these days?
June 21, 2011 § Leave a comment
Never say, “A good time was had by all.”
No matter how wonderful you felt at the school carnival/office picnic/neighborhood BBQ and douchefest, I guarantee you that someone there was hating it.
Try instead, “It was okay. Some attendees enjoyed themselves while others were secretly burning up inside, consumed by their various jealousies, fears, and insatiable longings. Still others are just so emotionally numb at this point in their lives, it is questionable whether they will ever have a good time again, anywhere, doing anything. We did our best to plan a nice event. (Although a few people on the committee could have tried harder.) It went as well as could be expected. We’ll probably do it again next year, and it will probably be very similar.”