Birthday Coupons

October 3, 2012 § Leave a comment

Every year for my dude’s birthday, I have this hilarious and sweet custom of making him a book of homemade coupons for special favors that he can redeem from me at any time during the year. He loves it!

Actually I have never done this, ever. But I am doing it now, because, well… I kind of forgot that his birthday was today, and we have a pile of Chinook books here that we need to sell for my daughter’s school, and I got to thinking… Those homemade coupons that people give each other… no one ever actually redeems those, right? I mean, that would feel so preposterously weird and formal. This is a gift where it truly is the thought that counts… you never actually have to do any of the stuff you put down. BEST GIFT EVER.

So here are the coupons I’m giving my sweetie:

1. Super Duper Sweater Saver!: I will de-pill a sweater of your choice, handpicking off every single little nub. (Stipulation: I get to watch anything I want on TV while I do it).

2. Step on your Balls!: I will step on your balls with a high-heeled shoe on. I heard that some guys pay prostitutes big money for this service. If you ever want to try it, but don’t want to break the bank, well, now you have a coupon.

3. Delicious Dinner!: I will make you a dinner from the list of stuff I usually tend to make for dinner. But this time I will make it delicious.

4. Watch out for those Bees!: If bees are swarming you in an attack, I will say, “Watch out for those bees!” (Coupon must be redeemed at least one (1) but no more than three (3) hours prior to attack).

5. You Get the Bigger Half!: I will, if we are splitting something, give you the bigger half. (Coupon only valid on things that I like less than you do).

6. Just Say No!: This coupon entitles you to refuse to lift something heavy for me or reach something that is up too high for me to reach. (Warning: use of this coupon may result in heavy boxes remaining where they don’t belong, and stuff that’s up high remaining not gotten. So…  Give it some real thought. I mean, how much skin is it off your teeth, honestly? To take one more box down to the basement? To get me the olive oil? Not much. I mean, you have plenty. Of skin on your teeth. You could spare quite a bit. Ew. What is up with that anyway? Why do you have skin on  your teeth? I’ve been meaning to ask you about that.)

7. Halloween Homies!: I will dress up in a companion costume with you for Halloween. We can go as anything you want. No seriously, anything. The sky’s the limit. Let your imagination run wild. (Some restrictions apply: No visual puns. No food items. No blackface. No adult babies.)

8. Rise and Shine!: Use this coupon on a morning when you need to get up early. I will wake you up by being as perky as humanly possible, ripping the covers off you, and shoving you out of bed. (I will then go back to sleep.)

9. Eat a Banana!: I will eat a banana in front of you. Very slowly. Enjoying every minute of it. (You must supply the banana. Also, a pot of chocolate fondue. Banana should be pre-sliced and arranged on a plate with some strawberries and small cubes of pound cake.)

10. What’s So Funny?!: This coupon can be used once. At the time it is presented, I must tell you exactly what is so funny about what I just read in whatever book or article I am reading. I must explain it in as much depth as is needed for you to fully appreciate the humor, even if it takes going all the way back to the beginning of the story to fill you in on who the characters are and the particular nuances of their relationships. 

 

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